How to talk to your children about porn: Start at primary age and don’t think your kids are immune
Children can access porn more easily than many parents believe, so conversations, however awkward, need to start early
By the age of nine, 10 per cent of British children have seen pornography, and half have seen it by the age of 13, a report published by the Children’s Commissioner revealed this week. In it, Dame Rachel de Souza said: “We find pornography exposure is widespread and normalised – to the extent that ‘opting-out’ isn’t an option for many young people.”
Given 91 per cent of children own a smartphone by the age of 11, access to online pornography, whether unintentional or deliberate, is much easier in our modern age. No longer do children need to access shops or to share limited hard copies, they can quickly search and be served.
As parents, we might regulate what our children have access to at home with the use of browser blockers or rules around screen time, but it can be a very different matter when they go elsewhere or are able to see the devices of their peers. What is clear is that we can’t ignore the findings, but how do we talk to children about porn and how early should we raise it?
It is difficult for a generation who didn’t have the same access to porn to try to parent those who have unparalleled access to an ever growing volume of explicit material, but experts agree that pretending it’s something other children do, and that ours are somehow immune, is not the answer.
Porn is profoundly uncomfortable for many parents to talk about with their children, and a knee-jerk reaction of anger or disgust if a child has viewed it is not the way forward. We may feel woefully unequipped to tackle the conversation, but there are ways we can make it easier.
Younger children
For younger children, introducing the concept of consent in relation to their own bodies is an important foundation for these conversations going forward, says Natalie Costa who is a teacher and coach to parents and children to support them while growing up.
Costa says introducing the concept of consent to younger children is a good starting place. This can begin with using the correct names for body parts – rather than euphemisms or nicknames – and explaining how we wouldn’t allow strangers to touch us, setting up the concept of listening to people and respecting their boundaries, as well as setting boundaries ourselves.
For younger children still in primary school, it is talking about what a healthy loving relationship looks like. This will make it easier to discuss any conversation around porn when they are older. Emma Jane Taylor, a speaker and advocate for child sex abuse survivors, agrees that any discussion around porn and consent should be introduced gently in an age-appropriate way.
As well as having these conversations about consent and relationships, Taylor believes that not giving children the additional means to look at porn is a crucial part of the jigsaw – she thinks children shouldn’t be given a smartphone before senior school.
An ongoing conversation
Many of us might remember one (excruciatingly awkward) sex “talk” with our parents that happened once and never again, but it is important to note that the conversation around porn needs to be a frequent dialogue that evolves over time as children grow and age.
Taylor says: “Conversations need to gently develop around 12 and 13, helping them understand physical relationships [building on earlier discussions around consent], and then around 14 start to talk about what porn is and why people use it.”
During this time, explanation and context is important. “Our brains are still developing in our teens and early twenties, so if you start giving too much information to children without any explanation or support, they’ll create their own.”
Fundamentally she says that in the 21st century we are still approaching this issue with a 20th-century education. “A very complex subject has moved very fast into a world that no one can really get their head around, even as adults,” she says.
Older children
If you find out that your child has watched porn or is talking about it, you might have a visceral reaction. But Costa says that “first and foremost, we must try and take judgement out of the equation”. She adds: “We can often jump in with our own agendas and insecurities and catastrophise. It’s important to allow for uncomfortable feelings, but instead of jumping in, we need to listen.”
Rather than passing judgement, ask open-ended questions. How did you find out about it? What do you think about it? How does it make you feel?
Costa says at that moment “we really need to try and see it through our children’s eyes… They might be experiencing a mix of emotions, partly curious but also upset by what they’ve seen. We need to reassure them that they’re not in trouble and that they are safe”.
Be prepared for these conversations, so think about it before it arrives at your door. It’s inevitable that children may stumble across porn at some point, so think about what you’d like to say without being caught off guard. “You don’t have to go into a full conversation, but it’s always keeping the door open, letting them know that nothing is off the cards,” says Costa.
And there is nothing wrong with admitting that you find it an awkward conversation to have. Costa suggests that saying things like: “There’s something bothering me…” or “I really wanted to hear your thoughts on this,” helps to open up the conversation, especially if they take place on a walk or in the car, where being side by side is less confrontational.
Taylor acknowledges how hard it can be to have these conversations but points out this is part of the problem. “It’s really important to have open conversations. If you’re unsure what those conversations should look like, there are charities such as the NSPCC out there who are supporting these conversations and helping you talk openly with your child.”
She advises using a moment that might be on TV or in a book as a starting point for a conversation. Both Costa and Taylor emphasise the importance of being engaged in the world our children live in, finding out about what apps they and their friends are using and what are they watching, and helping them see that porn is not a depiction of reality.
Better to start the conversation early in an appropriate manner than not at all. However, the key thing, if we are to help our children understand what healthy relationships really are, is that the conversation doesn’t end.
