The ‘new mum jiggle’. The ‘doorbell ding of death’. The brilliance of baby wipes … Why didn’t anyone tell us about these things pre-baby? 

Before we have our own children, we think that we know everything there is to know about parenting a baby. Really, isn’t it just feeding and changing?

Turns out babies can be pretty hard work and life as you knew it is about to change immensely (for the better, of course)! So here are a few things to look forward to when you become a parent.

1. A four-hour sleep in your bed (with no one touching you) is the equivalent of a vacation at a five-star resort

And a hot cup of tea also tops the list as one of life’s luxuries.

2. You will spend an insane amount of time making funny faces at your child

And even more time taking photos of the funny faces your baby makes back.

3. A trip in the car becomes the new ‘date night’

Sometimes letting bub drift to sleep in her car seat is the only way to ensure she goes to sleep without touching you. So driving to the next suburb and back with your partner becomes an average Tuesday night out.

4. People like to smile at babies

You can expect every single stranger to gush when you walk past. And possibly make a funny face.

5. People also like to share their stories about their own children

Why our world assumes that when you see a baby, you need to share advice, is beyond me. It’s one of life’s greatest mysteries.

6. The average washing machine holds four weeks’ worth of newborn clothing

And sorting them, hanging them out and folding them pretty much takes the same amount of time.

7. The sound of the doorbell can ruin your life

Especially if you have a sleeping baby inside. In fact, if you see someone approaching the house, you probably bolt to the door to answer it before they ring the dreaded doorbell.

8. Feeling your breasts for fullness becomes the norm

You probably won’t even notice you’re doing it … except, of course, when strangers in the grocery store line-up stare at you like you’ve lost your mind.

“I swear I’m not nuts. I just can’t remember which side I last fed on.” 

9. As soon as your baby falls asleep, you turn into a ninja

Everything from doing the dishes, to escaping her room, is now done in super-stealth mode. Your mission is to not make a single noise in fear of interrupting your sleeping infant.

10. Having your partner take care of bub so you can sleep in is better than a romantic night out

But cleaning up number threes, especially from a car seat, is excellent contraception. So it all evens out.

11. The sway of constantly rocking your baby back and forth becomes part of you

Even if you don’t have the baby in your arms, you are probably still swaying. It’s called the New Mum Jiggle. And it’s a thing.

12. Baby wipes are the best invention ever

And not just for baby-related messes.

13. Bodily fluids aren’t as awful as you thought

As time goes on, you may even get excited when your baby, who hasn’t pooped in three days, finally does one. You may even do a song and dance about it.

14. It’s possible to pretty much complete any task one-handed

Putting on make-up. Cooking dinner. Doing the washing. Turns out, you can complete all of these tasks while holding bub in the crook of your arm.

15. The little things in life suddenly don’t matter

Like skipping out on a mate’s birthday party (because you won’t be going out past 10pm anymore). Skipping a trip to the hairdresser. Skipping a shower for three days in a row. It turns out, there are more important things in life … and she just so happens to fit in your arms.